Forbidden Kingdom

Karate Kid K.I.A.

Order an Embarrassment! from Amazon

Forbidden Kingdom was a tremendously anticipated - hereby comes the Disturbance in the Force - Hollywood Kung Fu flick, main reason for this is that the output delivers the most popular faces of the genre, a simultaneous canvas presence of truly authentic figures whom we hoped to catch together since times immemorial, indeed. Forbidden Kingdom lives up to it's promise, of course. Jackie Chan and Jet Li are both ready to embarrass themselves in a movie which is loosely - khm, clumsily - based on famous installments of Chinese literature, especially the work titled Journey to The West.

Well, the Kung Fu genre have traveled over the Big Waters already and gave us tremendous results, Kung Fu Hustle, Hero, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, just to name a few. This here effort Forbidden Kingdom scores at box offices big time, yet I tend to think that the main reason for this success is that you can't possibly find an excuse to miss a movie out with Jackie and Jet present in it - that does not mean that the output CAN'T be bad. Actually, it CAN. And, sadly: it IS.

The best attraction you are about to witness herein is the main title screen and corresponding credit list period, I am sorry to say. These moments do unleash a stunning, dare I say this: neo-retro Kung Fu mood with superb, lazy, sinister musical score and famous retina stigmas of the genre, then you are about to witness Jet Li as the Monkey God, showing an army of hostiles their proper place in the quite proper setting to do so: in the Skies, they wage their wars. The flick abruptly loses interest in the hilarious opening, just to collide this truly nice period into a sequence of sheer brilliance: a Kung Fu Geek you witness who have fell asleep via his - probably - usual way: watching one of his favorite 236482348732648 Kung Fus, and now his mind interprets the audio stimuli from the video as elements to incorporate into his dreams about the Monkey God. So, it is quite a flawless concept so far, not a subject to debate about.



And also, it is about the last minute you will enjoy flawlessly, at least according to the strict, yet hopefully rigorously scientific considerations of the Opinion Onion. Behold who you will HAVE to, behold the Michael Angarano, who is about as bad actor as Matthew Fox, only this one is sadder. Am I being a blatant sitorgan opening if I am to voice my curiosity of how one develops elaborate undereye wrinkles by the age of 21? This is the age Angarano threads on as of the release date of this flick, and I must admit, he is somewhat suitable as a New-Age Karate Kid, but ALAS!, let me ask you this:

DO. WE. NEED. YET. ANOTHER. KARATE. KID. ?

The question remained silent once voiced, so let us resonate it again, this time with deep, intense honesty and curiosity:

DO. WE. NEED. YET. ANOTHER. KARATE. KID. ?

Add that this Karate Kid is easily worse than the original, by the way. Michael Angarano is the Everyday Average Loserguy the film gives for you as a role module you could easily relate to in case you have sophisticated collection of checkered shirts and acnes on body parts a decent woman is not even aware of, and surely, director of this here celluloid molestation Rob Minkoff might simply assume that you can't escape being an Everyday Average Loserguy once a fanatic of Kung Fu Classics.

Forbidden Kingdom grows kind of suspicious when you witness Jackie Chan's awkward depiction of an old fella who runs a video rental the Karate Kid is a regular at, - you bet, baby - suspicion though turns into something much more worse when Mr. Big Bully and Co. do start to - well - bully the protagonist. Man. Then again: maaaan! Have you ever witnessed one of those:

"NO! PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO FIGHT, PUHHULLEEEZ!" - movies? To be perfectly honest, I was blatantly afraid that I am about to witness Michael Angarano's Way to the Exploding Fist, and my fear gained legitimization shortly, though, at least via an infantile mutation which tries to sell itself as cinematic originality, yet utterly fails to deliver saved enriching/abusing you with the experience of a stock-fantasy affair with Jackie, Jet, and two beautiful Chinagirls in it. Still a stock fantasy, and a badly written at that, as well. I will give you proof shortly.

Here are the main assumptions: there is the Angarano, who must, absolutely MUST give the Sacred Weapon of the Monkey King back to it's proprietor, but, as results of an ancient confrontation taking place between the Everyday Usual Final Stage Boss Character and the Monkey King, now the legendary martial artist is petrified, only to be released if his weapon touches on the statue now he takes part in consensus as.

So! The Fearless Angarano and his haircut both (!!) do end up being transported to an alternate reality which resonates nicely with ancient Chinese times and sceneries. I admit that the cinematography is beautiful, no problem in this regard at all. Considering the subject matter these stunning natural environments do deliver on their own, finding UGLY images is the Challenge here, not to show Beauty Blatant which is all over the place. Well, at least something have been done to legitimize focal flaws, since Angarano seems totally out of place and time, let him be put beyond space and time for the sake of fiction functionalization. Sorry about that.

Little time is about to flow away prior the Angarano's encounter with Lu Yan, - Jackie Chan - who is fortunately a perfect speaker of English in ancient China, even better: the waitress in the pub also is totally on the theme when you ask for a refill in English. Lu Yan informs the young protagonist about the Legend of the Monkey King, and they decide to team up to liberate the iconic hero. Little if any do they know that the Final Stage Boss Monster has entirely different plans in his highly sinister mind, even sends a Witch after the Sacred Relic, a Witch who was born to Wolves. And also she is a simulacrum of the great Mortal Kombat character Sindel. This focal role is portrayed by beautiful Chinese actress Bingbing Li, the scenes in which Bingbing and Angarano are both present are of particular interest. I would keenly urge Angarano fans - oxymoron? - to state the Top 10 Reasons why one would take one's eyes off of Bingbing in favor of Michael, me = mad curious, truly. Now is the time to account on Yifei Liu as well, she gives us the female sidekick character, who is in shadow of to the constant threat that Angarano might actually go for the mouthy-mouthy, lypsi-lypsi on her, yet !SPOILER! - he won't have that chance. Yifei Liu gives you similarly solid canvas presence as Bingbing Li, a credit which is due for the Final Stage Boss Monster, Deshun Wang, as well.



Bingbing Li's intact canvas presence gives much needed relief.

An example of flaws and incoherency: a Silent Monk - Jet Li - appears, who steals the Monkey King's Relic from Angarano, yet, as it turns out hastily: he has NO intention stealing the Relic. So, he just - kind of: stole it. Makes sense so far? He states that he Seeks the Seeker of the Artifact. Now check this: when he FINDS the Seeker, he stoles the precious item from him while the Seeker is asleep. Well, asking those trite, redundant question like: "Sorry, dude, aren't you happen to be the Seeker of the Relic who I seek? After all, you have the Relic!" would hardly live up to common sense or coherent script writing.

All is set for the big attraction, you will have the acceptable 10 minutes+ fight sequence between Jackie and Jet, and then some other, acceptable fight sequences as the improbably shallow fantasy story "develops." For your information I wish to voice my aspiration that the term "acceptable" I account the fight sequences as is intended to be a rigorously scientific description, and a scientific description I do aspire to give, none less, not I! Let us scrutinize unto the deep well of the past and let us behold some example movies which delivered easily superior fight sequences to these: the aforementioned Kung Fu Hustle comes into my mind yet again as a piece to courageously and hilariously praise the genre, yet the Tony Jaa films are a must to mention, as well. Remember the final showdown in Tom Yum Goong? Hell, one minute (!) from that fight sequence weights more than the entire Forbidden Kingdom, Your Angy God Forgive that I state the obvious herein.

This here old fashioned new wave Kung Fu hybrid still relies on the most banal fight concept ever revealed, yet so vastly utilized even to this day: there are two types of fighters that can take part in a skirmish: 1. the Infinite Hitter, 2. the One Puncher. The Infinite Hitter always comes back, no matter what. Because he has a focal role. Thus he has superhumanic attributes. Notice that these focal characters are always very skillful, they evade and block the strikes just to counter back, while their associates are usually suck excessively, these are the literal masses and masses of people your protagonist engages in battle with, administering one strike per kopf and client checks out, thank you come again. Surely, it does not mean the tiniest of sense to surround yourself with elite fighters if you are a Final Stage Boss Monster, instead you want to rely on warriors whose asses get kicked around via a little less effort than putting out a bonfire with a water cannon in rainstorm.



Forbidden Kingdom is an excessively awkward, mocked mixture of twisted, inept ambitions, an output lacking any kind of inventive tale appeals or sober seriousness to it, instead it sinks steadily to end up as a very average fantasy-quest with very average fantasy characters, chasing - I am sorry to inform you that you have guessed correctly - very average fantasy agendas. The New Karate Kid Michael Angarano is actually a factor to degrade the output as opposed to enrich it, as his canvas presence currently is nowhere near to that of any other actors he gets unleashed in the same sequence with. In the end one can't help but voice the opinion that even Jackie and Jet can not make a great movie out of the great mess this unfortunate result is composed of and ends as. These two onions I do give for this delivery is not a result of my grouchy nature. These two onions I do give for this delivery is the result of my extremely tender, marvelously kind nature.

Finally, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Moment You Have All Been Waiting For, Has Now Became a Reality!

The Opinion Onion Gives You:

Za! Michael! Angarano! Thing!



- What if I CAN'T do that??
- Oh, you are good at THAT!



The One Dollar Kung Fu Stance!



- ... and then I'll have a HAIRCUT!
- IS the Seeker CERTAIN that he is PREPARED?



- HMPF!
- NOOO, NOT THE HMPF! ANYTHING BUT THE HMPF!



- HOW I gotten into this??
- Mysterious are the Ways of the Tao, no doubt anymore.



- Uhm. Michael. You are on - uhm. Camera?



The One Million Dollar Kung Fu Look!



The Priceless Kung Fu Look!

If you enjoyed this here article, check out my comic: Planetseed
If you are to circulate magnificently pleasant vibrations: Buy me Beer