EliteXC Primetime - Colossal Kimbo?

Size of the Fight, Size of the Marketing

2008. may 31.




Introduction

Mixed martial arts clearly became a significant form of both mass entertainment and - as Bruce Lee put it - an expression of the human body, the latter being, no doubt, the original field of operation of these ancient traditions, now living and breathing through competitive events around the world. Though many may consider men who enter the proving grounds little more than hired human pitbulls to rip each other apart for hard cash and radical amusement, I tend to utterly reject this rudimentary view, concluding that professional level mma is the combat of highly disciplined human spirits, opposing each other for the duration of the bout, probably ending up as unified in the process as we could conceive, simply through their magnificent shared experience of being in a cage where the damage one suffers is the wit one failed to exhibit. That is how, in my opinion, the mma fighter fights against herself/himself.

Japanese people compete to gain an insight of their own current abilities through the collision process of their skills with that of other's. To me, the ultimately glorious moments of mixed martial arts are not of those of KOs and submissions. They are of those of hugging the formal rival at the end of the bout, circulating the most honest, uncompromised, pure respect each fighter deserves simply by stating themselves on the proving grounds, regardless of the results. The ensuing peace between fighters after a good collision is such a palpable, legit sensation that it never got old so far - and won't ever will.

This here is a review of the EliteXC event EliteXC Primetime May 31, time to punch that Read more button, baby!

Introductory thoughts about the more significant lineups

- with BONUS notions about EliteXC marketing strategies -

Now that EliteXC has former internet sensation now-professional level mma fighter Kimbo Slice in it's warrior roster, it remains a question if the ex-street fighter is ready to face top level competition, or must he familiarize himself first with a wider array of mma tools beyond knocking the hoile spirit out of someone for a brief, yet sticky period of time. Remember EliteXC Street Certified? Kimbo destroyed Tank Abbot there, a victory he claimed his second professional mma triumph with. Though Tank remains both a pioneer of the sport and a significant persona to enrich proving ground vibes with, his game essentially boils down to one punch kills: something he got famous for, and something he chose to stick around with as primal instrument of destruction. This is all cool, in my opinion, the fact though that Tank becomes relatively yet painfully out of place, dare I say: clueless as soon his devastating introductory shots do miss: is not that cool.

Tank is not an mma fighter, he is a human nuclear bomb who Smashes All that and whom his fists connect with via full impact, but, when they do NOT connect, then it is very unlikely that the Tank will amaze you with his diverse skill set in the clinch or on the ground. Tank is not the kind of fighter who comes to introduce tactics, let alone an elaborate gameplan: Tank comes to reveal a dimensional gate in anyone's face fool enough to enter the proving ground with him. Yet, now that I have seen some fights with him, I think it is safe to say that though Tank indeed possesses senseless nuclear power in his fists, he does not enjoy struggles. Tank comes to kill you with one punch, if this not succeeds: then Tank already have lost something. The image have been damaged, and here is why: Tank not only dislikes struggles in which he has to gain the upper hand, the worst of all remains that he does not look good and does not perform well in struggles, either.

Thus this warrior comes to destroy his rival in the first five seconds, if this plan fails, then the cause of this failure probably is that the Tank himself got stopped. That is what happened in EliteXC Street Certified and frankly, this is probably what the EliteXC wanted to happen, which is of course an OK.

Now Kimbo has a sequence in his highlight real knocking Tank out silly, thus the former internet sensation claims a trophy for himself that undoubtedly has a special meaning to it. As one dimensional Tank's game might be, he, in my opinion, remains a face you WILL and MUST remember from mma, yet I stick to my opinion that Tank Abbot needs serious, seeerious work on his versatility if he plans to compete on on the professional level. Imagine a warrior with Tank's punching power and a solid clinch/ground game.

- EliteXC marketing notion 1. -

Check these marketing magic tricks the EliteXC operates with. By the night of the Kimbo vs Tank fight, ( - EliteXC Street Certified, please don't click on the ads) James "The Colossus" Thompson battled with Brett Rogers. I have already voiced my opinion how I absolutely LUV the little gesture the Colossus makes to greet opponents and the crowd before his bouts. Now I might have found the solution: don't you think he got that from Scorpion's harpoon special move from Mortal Kombat? Check carefully and inform me if it is where the term "geek" ends at or is it where it starts at?

Anyway: Brett Rogers kicked The Colossus's ass. Now, what should happen next? You would say that Rogers moves on to claim a chance against Kimbo, yet the organization chooses to collide Kimbo with the LOSER of the Rogers vs Thompson bout. This is actually a very smart thing to do, as it throws The Colossus back in the top EliteXC mix: if he wins, he solidifies himself as the Kimbo Stopper, and Kimbo should do battle with Brett Rogers. Everything is cool for everyone, including the audience. If The Colossus loses, then Brett Rogers finally emerges to challenge Kimbo. Notice how the act of colliding Rogers with the internet sensation makes no fiscal sense by the period: a nice decision that builds on three fighters as opposed to getting away with only two of the trio.

And a - bizarrely - co-main event: current EliteXC Middleweight Champion Robby "Ruthless" Lawler emerges to render a title defense against challenger Scott "Hands of Steel" Smith, an mma veteran who usually puts up passionate, decent fights against his opponents prior getting choked out. Notice how Kimbo's phenomena weighs in more than some casual, semi-undercard title defense herein.

Gina Carano vs Kaitlin Young

Ladies first, and this was my first female mma bout. I mean, the first I saw, not the first I took part in. To tell you the truth, I never thought that women should not do this sport, and here is why: women who consider themselves both keen and capable to knock each other around certainly do possess both the desire and the will to fight. Even better: Gina Carano actually looks quite pretty, yet gives Kaitlin Young a stable, integral beating nevertheless. Credit for the aforementioned rival who informs us how she kind of likes to beat people up, kind of nice to familiarize yourself with a subject matter you kind of like, indeed. A brief period in which Young goes for a successful takedown is of note here, apart from this impressive move she utilized though - a move she can not redeem to punishment, as Carano exhibits stone solid ground defense - she has not much to deliver against Gina. Some nice leg kicks are of note, yet the higher variants remain inaccurate and sloppy. Kaitlin Young's roundhouse kick is the grimmest blaming of roundhouse kicks. Carano dominates the proving ground this time around with a superior and more courageous standup, keeping both the pace and her rival to bend according to her will. The second period comes to a conclusion with Carano trying to claim a tapout out of Young who collapses as result of a nice straight kick Gina throws quite a few of, finally connecting pretty much full impact. The bell saves Young from a submission, yet she is declared to be unable to step into the third period due to the damage she suffered in the first two rounds.

Brett Rogers vs Jon Murphy

The massive Rogers is closing on on Kimbo Slice, no doubt, as he scores an impressive one minute KO in the first round over Jon Murphy. Though Brett's rival manages to connect with a nice uppercut which momentarily dazes the massive competitor, he grows - in my opinon - semi-emotional and crushes Murphy with the relentless opposition he exhibits firstly at the fence, wrapping it up with a right hand that connects firm and clean on Jon's chin. When asked whether he is ready to face Kimbo, Rogers states that he is ready to face whoever the organization puts in front of him, and I bet this is the answer you and me wanted to hear. One thing is for sure, though: in my opinion, Rogers does not want to get emotional against Kimbo, because Kimbo has way too much experience in THAT game. Probably has the most of it in among all professional level mma competitors.

Phil Baroni vs Joey Villasenor

Phil "The New York Badass" Baroni still has the body of a demigod but also comes to this bout on a losing streak composed of three losses. Joey Villasenor, on the other hand, is on the rise, last time we saw him in was EliteXC Strikeforce Shamrock vs Le where he scored a knockout victory over Ryan Jensen. Baroni needs to get his stuff together, I am telling you that: he has a brilliant moment right in the very start,getting a hold of Villasenor's leg which he used to throw a high kick. The New York Badass puts Joey to his back and unleashes some of his good old trademark ground and pounds abilities, but fails to keep Villasenor on the ground, even eats in a hard punch in the debating process. They end up at the fence where Joey manages to soak in an arm to choke some essential gas out of Baroni - the punches Villasenor follows up the choke attempt with do leave a badly damaged and massively fatigued New York Badass behind whom Joey Villasenor disposes of hastily, effectively.

Robbie Lawler vs Scott Smith

The co-main event delivers both highly memorable moments introduced by two passionate competitors, also, as we will see, the EliteXC marketing monster is among the audience. Call me paranoid later please, when I will share my view with you on the unfolding events that we are about to account on now. A nice feelings out process start this one out with mutual respect tangible between the warriors. The first round is characterized by Smith's impressive head kick to influence the Champion's head, yet Scott's entry to move in for the kill proves to be either early or not quite ruthlessly stated - more probably: both. Lawler gains an upper hand in the ensuing exchange, throwing more accurate and more devastating attacks than his rival manages to. Finally Robbie throws two vicious body kicks in a consecutive fashion that do claim a toll on Smith's composure - the first round comes to a conclusion with Scott effectively crumbling to his corner via the - quite appropriately - ruthless beating he got administered with at the fence.

You got to admire Scott Smith's fighting spirit: he comes back intact and turns the second round into a back and forth stand up battle with highly successful attacks introduced and suffered by both warriors. It is actually Smith who appears to perform more accurately, punishing Lawler by sly, little elbows that do come out of nowhere yet they do deal damage on the Champion. The round gives you two heavily fatigued fighters and the scent of approaching drama in the air, the scent that is always a pleasure to greet.

The third period delivers a Lawler with the initiative at his disposal, yet the jabs he throws so keenly do connect with a diverse efficiency factor, let alone how Smith emerges to introduce some furious charges from time to time, these are moments he is able to score some convincing shots from. Lawler probably grows unsatisfied with how the round would turn out if the progress this way all the while, thus he goes for a takedown, which is though ends up as an unsuccessful attempt. Then the good old controversy kicks in: Lawler accidentally sinks his fingers in Smith's eye when trying to block. Pause, check on by a ring doctor. Despite that two minutes after the accident Scott claims that he is ready to go on, the doctor decides to put an end to the match, making it a no contest bout as it was scheduled for five five minutes rounds.

Please notice this, and call me paranoid: there is no way one who have seen this match would miss out a second collision between Lawler and Smith, and I go the feeling that this very idea have occurred to the EliteXC decision makers, too. Why wrap a confrontation up with two more rounds when you can sell it as a full price attraction one more time soon? Scott Smith WAS able to continue, but the organization comes off better this way, having an attraction to deliver soon that fans can't resist to buy their tickets for. Urge to do so is even greater now, and that is what EliteXC hoped for and nicely accomplished, too. Memorable match nevertheless, and do not we forget that EliteXC President Gray Shaw payed full salary + bonus for both warriors. Something for something, you got to buy a stoppage. At the end of the day, the organization delivered a very nice match, also a match it was that started to build anticipation factor for an inevitable second variant of it by the moment it was stopped.

Kimbo Slice vs James Thompson

I was fond of the Colossus by the time this bout have started, now that it reached a conclusion, I am a fan of him. James Thompson pushes Kimbo to the limit AND beyond via wrapping the second round up by a ground and pound period The Colossus subjects the internet sensation for for a length of steady, stable two minutes. A memorable match, even a memorable opening period: Kimbo does a great job connecting with his trademark punches, and let us notice the replays: these are the scenes in which you got to see what the warriors are actually going through. Look at that uppercut - left hand combination Kimbo punishes The Colossus with. In real time, it seems "just" a punch but take heed at the replay what kind of punch those are, not to mention how Thompson eats in a whole series of those.

First and foremost, credit for Kimbo as he didn't look THAT bad initially when he was forced to the ground, though The Colossus eventually took him to parts the former street fighter was not particularly familiar with, nevertheless his training with mma legend Bas Rutten is of evident significance, also it is something that fortunately starts to show. Kimbo is not entirely uncomfortable on the ground anymore, he even has a nice reversal in this match, espacing and countering a situation in which The Colossus were going for a choke.

In fact, it is Kimbo himself who "takes himself down" with a strange maneuver very reminiscent of Jake "The Snake" Roberts's - yes, naturally, the WWE phenomena - finishing move, and this is the maneuver which leads Kimbo wide open for a very lengthy ground and pound assault Thompson unleashes on him. Though Kimbo is hardly anxious to go on after the bell, - heck, there is a moment in which you wonder in if he can stand up at all - you can not refuse to appreciate the determination he exhibits after that thorough, old fashioned beating he took from this giant man, let alone that the internet sensation comes back relatively integral for the final round. I am pretty sure that many would have quit.

The third and concluding period indeed delivers a conclusion. There is much you can tell about The Colossus, having the most beautiful left ear God's creations could have ever witnessed is: not one of the accusations Thompson would have to fear of, though. Kimbo damages the puffed ear which starts to bleed heavily, and it is but a question of the consecutive strikes that convinces - in my opinion, absolutely legitly - Referee Dan Miragliotta to put an end to the contest. True, Thompson was still defending himself and he was still in the game, though heavily assaulted and dazed. But why, why, why would you let a fighter permanently damage another one? That is what could have happened, as you can clearly see that The Colossus is in utterly grave danger in the moments Miragliotta steps in. I agree that he is STILL in the game - but the price he pays for being in the game is too much to pay. Yet another strike to that damaged ear - which Kimbo have planned to land, as he states - and The Colossus could have fall for good. Better this way, much better this way. Thompson is unhappy with this decision and even expresses this, fortunately Miragliotta proves to be a very sober Referee and it does not even occur to him take The Colossus's reaction that I hinted at into consideration.

As usual, Kimbo looked and proved to be very dangerous in the stand up, yet it was the first time we have seen him in evident desperation due to the deficits he currently suffers from concerning his ground game and general versatility. The fact that Kimbo exhibits a willingness to wage war on the ground is a very pleasant development to encounter though. After the match the internet sensation looks so excessively fatigued and immensely used up that it is very hard to not feel sympathy for him. Just some weeks ago UFC President Dana White claimed that Kimbo would be murdered in the UFC, yet they are ready to negotiate with him as soon as he beats someone credible. Whether they consider The Colossus credible is an interesting question, as well as how much Kimbo worths for the EliteXC. Addendum: The Colossus had some immense success in Pride! and in other organizations but his record is not very impressive at the moment - 14 wins and 9 losses after the Kimbo collision. Nevertheless excessive credit goes for Thompson whom we will see soon again, hopefully. I truly can't wait to see the dude score a win finally, I think he deserves it, especially after this passionate, persistent performance he put up against Kimbo.

It was a very memorable night that delivered but a few matches, but all it delivered had the respective special appeals to them, in my opinion. As a UFC fan stated in Quebec via a transparent:

It is not the size of the dog in the fight, it is the size of the fight in the dog.

A truly nice notion of which this night gives truly sober, yet similarly passionate understanding of. Hope you had a fine evening and found the review useful - thank you for reading it, and see you next time.

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The Departed

The Gentle Art of Making Enemies

Order an Identity! from Amazon


Martin Scorsese's 2006 effort The Departed combines rampant fiction power with an actor lineup that leaves no place for rookie canvas claimers, instead delivers statements via a staff even the cameramen are hardcore celebrities in.

The fiction is intact and subtle: Scorsese gives you an adaptation of the 2002 movie Mou gaan dou of Chinese origins, a highly successful piece the dream factory decided to offer it's own variant of. While such deliveries have a tendency to end up flabbergastedly weak, let alone redundant when compared to their originators - See For Yourself - fortunately The Scorsese knows how to tell this cunning narrative on a land that does not belong to the American Dream, yet reigns steadily as a massive rendition of an American Nightmare.

The movie revolves around one particular focal idea that gains beauty and potential through the elegant simplicity it seeks out the conflict with. There is the very bad dude, who is not just a bad dude, but, mind you I, herein: a very bad dude indeed, personified by timeless canvas phenomena Jack Nicholson. His character, Costello is somewhat of a Godfather figurine - definite oxymoron here - in the neighborhood he currently reigns at, thus it is evident that he holds major interest in rat nourishment, as creating the rat usually results in the rat's implementation . Little if any is revealed whether Costello deliberately created the informant we will witness during the output or just happened to pick one from many nourished candidates, yet it is pretty sure that the film hastily reveals a boss-informant connection between Nicholson's and Matt Damon's character, the latter being yet another staggering celebrity addition to the impressive roster The Departed delivers. Costello gains continuous information feed about the momentary focal interests of the state police which Matt Damon's character is fresh, brand new investigator of, notice therefore, how nice (?) and clean (?) things do flow so far.

Primal conflict is formed and offered via the introduction of Leonardo DiCaprio, who, fortunately, now that he is a bit over thirteen, ended up as a serious, even better: as a quite decent actor as opposed to petrifying into the hideous heartlicker direction/archetype he was trademark representative of. His Departed character, - sic! - Billy Costigan hopes to join the state police yet he has to face rejection as his background and temper do not exactly impress the decision makers.



The output gives us significant supportive roles as these cited decision makers: Mark Wahlberg brings you the classic, bitter, yet passionate cop character whom "F*CK!s" and "SHIT!s" actually manage to remain funny during the whole time, while the elder Sheen - the Martin - renders a solid, trusty, calm personification of the local police captain. Alec Baldwin is included, too. He has one, I repeat: one funny line and a couple of mildly interesting breakdowns during the movie, as for him as an actor though, I do not think he is half as good as he probably thinks he is, yet, amazingly, I don't think he is as bad as I think he is, either. See how consensus reality is an ideal thing to be baffled by?

Back to the conflict though: Costigan - DiCaprio - just got turned down, but, as opposed letting him grow frustrated through years and years of compulsive desperation leading to a highly successful suicide attempt eventually, he will be asked to go undercover instead! The agenda is this: to find the mole Costello is keeping at the department, of whom identity we are already aware of, yet this kind of narrative usually manages to build and solidify quality tension. Take Columbo for example: you always know who the killer is, - regardless how it is always a DIFERENT person, amazingly! - yet your amusement develops nice and steady as Columbo and his balloon coat do get closer and closer on the suspect. The Departed is no exception. Roles are given, clear and nicely operated, while entertainment unravels raw and naked through the collision and interaction between the precisely drawn character archetypes the story plays around with.

The basic premise therefore gives us a Godfather character - Nicholson - who has a rat at the police to inform him - among other things - if there is a rat in the first place among Nicholson's own men, giving information to the police. Such an informant exists indeed in the form of Costigan - DiCaprio - whom though is convincing enough to gain the trust of the Godfather, so he - Leo - has chances both to gain information about the workings of Costello, let alone unraveling the identity of the rat Costello keeps at the police. It seems a bit more complicated in the written form than it actually is, yet, to put it in a simper form: Matt Damon and DiCaprio do chase each other around Nicholson's focal character for a period of 150 minutes, and all this proves to be a source of quite integral entertainment with but a tiny hint of redundancy present in the fabric here and there.



Let us deal with those pretty much insignificant shortcomings a bit later, though, and let us deal with them only because those are the little traits that do separate this here robust output from yet another integral statement that would score five! Opinion Onions.

Fortunately The Departed recognizes that such a "men-packed" delivery always would and will tolerate feminine presence with an amazing degree of gratefulness, surely, this motion picture can not be an exception: Scorcese gives you a very stable Vera Farmiga, personifier of the shrink you need to see in case 1. you are a cop, 2. and had to fire your weapon to kill, 3. and you broke down because of this. The Departed surely takes the liberty and cunningness to collide Farmiga both with Damon and DiCaprio with easily calculable results. It is truly not about the loose moral of the girl, though: emotional involvements will be way too "sober" and way too "stripped" to make up arguments about who kissed whom, who slept with whom - though I failed to notice a layout in which Matt Damon and Leo would do any of these latter pastimes with each other. Well, not all scenes do make it to the big screen, you know.



Jack and Martin have the Tony Montana going on

A little side note here: Scorcese's output gives quite strong and significant social commentaries by the moments you would least expect them, such is my personal favorite from this movie when Leo tells Vera how there is absolutely NO ONE more full of sh*t than a cop who is crying about how he HAD to use his weapon to kill. Leo informs Vera about his view that a cop effectively SIGNED ON for this responsibility and the related duty. Nothing is more wrong than a crying cop, maybe a TV cop, he states. And, if you think about it, it is a nice subject matter to do some pondering with, relating the subtle, little field that connects, serves media to and with society via the consciousness that recognize media at the first place - thus giving it a reason to manifest. Imagine a media no one would interact, no one would connect with. Would that be still a media? Notice therefore how one might end up little more than glue, solidifying the belief that the world is such as the TV shows it to be indeed, as THAT is the world I do watch with keen readyness and intact confirmation.

Let me ask you this: what exactly are you supposed to feel when you witness a crying cop on TV? "Oh, poor man! Blew a killer's brains out!" or "Don't be a killer or a cop like this one here will cry about your sorry ass next week after successfully toasting it!" You decide, me just writes here. Now let us go back to The Departed.



Vera Farmiga's role and presence certainly does give nice supportive vibes to this here double crossed, intense testosterone marathon, my only criticism of her performance would concern her viewtiful, big eyes that are so viewtiful and big that Farmiga has momentary troubles forgetting about this and commits overkill of this precious tool. If you always keep your eyes open wide, you never keep your eyes open wide. Other than that: she is very pleasant on the canvas.

Jack Nicholson and Matt Damon are simply: perfect. Leo would be perfect, too, at least probably: his role however concerns too much of being angry, and being veeeery angry. Leo exhibits anger with a funny look on his face which gets a little bit, really: JUST a little bit old when you witness it for the 512371273rd time, an occasion you will have chance to greet, trust me. I would like to see some psycho-ass Leo next time with no anger being hidden behind lips pressed superhard. Now we know you are Master at this, Leo. Please show other and show different next time.

At the end of the day, The Departed runs a little bit longer than I personally think it should run for, yet the great performances do make this an effort which remains easily recommendable to multiple sittings. The output does not exactly deliver surprises or particular twists in it's fabric due to the strict initial (let alone eventual) depiction of the focal elements it relies on, weighs in as one of the most appealing and memorable MOB installments the 2006 Hollywood delivered nevertheless.



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UFC 84 Ill Will review

Introduction

Mixed martial arts clearly became a significant form of both mass entertainment and - as Bruce Lee put it - an expression of the human body, the latter being, no doubt, the original field of operation of these ancient traditions, now living and breathing through competitive events around the world. Though many may consider men who enter the proving grounds little more than hired human pitbulls to rip each other apart for hard cash and radical amusement, I tend to utterly reject this rudimentary view, concluding that professional level mma is the combat of highly disciplined human spirits, opposing each other for the duration of the bout, probably ending up as unified in the process as we could conceive, simply through their magnificent shared experience of being in a cage where the damage one suffers is the wit one failed to exhibit. That is how, in my opinion, the mma fighter fights against herself/himself.

Japanese people compete to gain an insight of their own current abilities through the collision process of their skills with that of other's. To me, the ultimately glorious moments of mixed martial arts are not of those of KOs and submissions. They are of those of hugging the formal rival at the end of the bout, circulating the most honest, uncompromised, pure respect each fighter deserves simply by stating themselves on the proving grounds, regardless of the results. The ensuing peace between fighters after a good collision is such a palpable, legit sensation that it never got old so far - and won't ever will.

This here is a review of the UFC event UFC 84 Ill WIll, time to punch that Read more button, baby!

Introductory thoughts about the more significant lineups

Ill Will features three bouts of exceptional interest: the main event for the UFC Lightweight Championship is but the tip of the iceberg, supported firmly by two lineups which certainly do seem as fascinating as the main attraction itself.

The scheduled championship bout is taking place between former UFC Lightweight Champion Sean "The Muscle Shark" Sherk and your belt defender, BJ "The Prodigy" Penn. The latter won the title in UFC 81 Rapid Fire, defeating Joe "Daddy" Stevenson in a match that turned into quite a decent bloodbath - oxymoron? - and could/had to be organized because the title ended up vacant previously.

Former lightweight champion Sean Sherk have been deprived of the belt because of the use of steroids. It is not like he got deprived of the title because steroid usage have happened on Earth before, you know. Examinations showed that Sherk himself used illegal substances, causing a half year suspension of Sean and a vacant belt, ready to be battled for. For the record, though: to the day of the Ill Will, Sherk rejects all accusations of illegal substance usage, even took and passed a lie detector test - with negative results. The positive test result he scored when examined for steroids caused a stain on his reputation though, something he plans to eradicate via delivering a performance which worths a belt. Naturally, I shall not pass judgment on the steroid matter, instead let me draw your attention on how integral the Muscle Shark comes to this match as. As Sean states, he feels that the belt still belongs to him as he never have actually lost is, though The Little Buddha BJ Penn hardly looks as someone who has intention to legitimize Sherk's assumptions and claims as far as who the belt rightfully belongs to.

Some emotional content is inherent to the lineup, and emotional content is always a pleasure to greet when exhibited by professional level mma fighters whom are about to face each other. While Sherk thinks that BJ is a warrior who could be submitted if pressed superhard - see the "former Penn"'s match against Matt Hughes - , Sean also states that he himself is a competitor who rather ends up dead than to quit. The Muscle Shark shares his assumption with us that BJ comes from an integral, supportive background, and, according to Sherk's observations, people with similar history have a tendency to consider quitting as a tool to rely on. BJ's words, on the other hand, do sound like crystal clear sobriety to me as The Little Buddha points out how one could easily be harmed permanently if to refuse to give in. Allowing this does not make much sense.

BJ Penn gives us his personal recollection of the events that formed him to be as mature of a fighter as he is by the day of the Ill Will, remembering how his body, his condition was unready before to deliver what he was capable of. Indeed, he was grinded up by Matt Hughes in UFC 63 Shootout, a match in which The Little Buddha had truly great moments, yet gased out when the bout moved to the distance. As Penn states, he disrespected fighting before and took his talents for granted, now that he is aware that fighting disrespects the fighter if the fighter disrespects fighting, - and how much shy sharks should a Sherk should shoot if a Sherk should shoot shy sharks? - he states that he is not about to make this mistake again. Indeed, the Penn we have seen in UFC 80 Rapid Fire was a new Penn, and THAT new Penn is the one we see by the day of the Ill Will as well, without a doubt. As for the mood established for the collision, BJ says that Sean is weak in the mental game, a notion which I personally found both very strange and reckless to voice when heard, as The Muscle Shark is notorious of grinding down opposition with a tenacious mental warfare characterized by relentless forwarding. Maybe BJ meant something entirely different, something he plans to show for us today. Either way, a lineup of great anticipation we have been waiting for, and a row of excessively interesting questions are about to be answered now that opposing Ill Wills are to ruthlessly, finally collide tonight.

The first co-main event concerns mma legend Wanderlei "The Axe Murderer" Silva and Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine. If someone does not need introduction as an mma fighter then Wanderlei Silva is the man, an evident legend who though has an unfortunate losing streak these days, lengthened by Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell in UFC 79 Nemesis when the two had collided in a slugfest of the instant classic character. Wanderlei Silva now is a warrior with his back against the wall. Coming to the collision with Keith on a losing streak, The Axe Murderer is either to score a victory or to face the inevitable question about his future, mma, and the relation between these latter two.

Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine is actually the perfect pick to put in front of Silva. Keith scored a tremendous upset in UFC 76 Knockout, defeating The Iceman Chuck Liddell who was busy climbing back to the top after losing his belt to current UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Quinton "Rampage" Jackson. Though many claim that the Liddell who was fighting against Jardine wasn't the Liddell you don't want to see or summon, - depending whether you are his opponent with a glove ON your hand or a spectator with popcorn bucket IN it - he had his moments nevertheless and I think it is safe to say that Keith have put up one helluva fight to go away with the W after three rounds.

Now that Jardine banged out a stoppage on Forrest Griffin, - not something you see every day - got knocked the hell out by Houston Alexander and won a decision over The Iceman, it seems safe to say that The Dean of Mean currently has the fortunate tendency to cause radical surprises, and let me tell you this: what you just read is an example of redundancy as a surprise always should possess something radical to it, otherwise it ain't worth calling a surprise.

Either way, let me draw your - hopefully - keen attention to the nice matchmaking concept underlying here, a concept neither the UFC, a cyberninja on speed, or a sedated sloth could miss out on. Solidification: now that the organization has a warrior who has a tendency of beating opponents he simply isn't supposed to, let's see if he performs JUST that when he is invited to do JUST that. Makes sense? Hell, yes! Why not put him in front of yet another legend? Either Silva claims his statement and establishes himself as Top Dog once more, or Keith Jardine goes away with the undeniable trait that he actually can destroy legendary mma asses, and this is not only something that establishes a name you must count with in the sport, it is also exactly what The Dean of Mean is looking for tonight, as well.

The third event of focal interest gives you Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida and Tito Ortiz. Not in pairs though, quite the contrary: to collide with each other, which sounds a bit more interesting. Nothing against hugging mma fighters though, in fact, those are the nicest and most glorious moments, according to the onion's scientific considerations. Ortiz is of course a trademark face of the UFC, well, now it seems more proper to say former trademark face, as it seems about 99% that this is his last match in the organization. UFC President Dana White clearly voiced his opinion about how satisfied he would end up as if Lyoto Machida would kick Tito's ass. He wishes all the best for Tito otherwise and bla, yet looks forward seeing if his suspicion of a superior fighting skill than of Tito's is indeed possessed by The Dragon.

Well, as far as Tito, the marketing line is this:

Face it gals and boys, you can not escape forming your impression! You either HATE the Tito Ortiz or you fricken LOVE the Tito Ortiz, no neutrality is offered for you at all! This stance is something Tito himself admits and probably consciously aims for, as well His personality is well suited to build up anticipation for a bout, (especially if he takes part in it) and surely, he has the top level fighting skills as well. Funnily enough, tough, he states this: first and foremost he is an entertainer, and he is a fighter, secondly. This was more than enough to kick Ken Shamrock's vet ass (mind the simple "v", seriously: MIND the simple "v"!) on three different occasions, yet now, as I see it, Tito will face the biggest mma challenge of his life yet. Why is that? Here is why.

Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida is first and foremost: a fighter. Secondly: he is a damn good one, too. Machida cares little if any if his performance amuses the crowd, - hell, by this attitude he certainly amuses me, though - instead he treats opposition with pretty much scientific attention and lethal punishment potential unleashed as toll on each false or irresponsible moves exhibited by the rival. To account this style briefly, let us put it this way: The Dragon will seek out your weakness and beat you with it. Machida's record is flawless by the day of the Ill Will, coming to face Tito after taking apart The African Assassin Sokoudjou in UFC 79 Nemesis. The funny, following saying is heavily related of course, offered by Lyoto:

"I defeated the Alaskan Assassin. I defeated the African Assassin. What other Assassin am I to defeat to get a title shot?"

Lyoto is easy to mistook for, in my opinion. You could take him immensely falsely as an "eminent" fighter who never risks anything, but, seeing interviews with him, my impression of him changed blatantly and fundamentally, absolutely for the better. His voice and his voiced thoughts are very serious, very mature. This is a complete fighter and a complete man. A complete fighter and complete man who comes to kick ass professionally, and this is both the least and the most we are to anticipate from the sport.

Tito arrives to the weigh ins in one of his trademark T Shirts, the statement on it reads: "Dana Is My Bitch" Epic, yes? Tito even invented his victory-ritual prior to the bout which he performs for us on TV, let us see if he will have the chance to perform it for
UFC President Dana "I say f*ck a lot on the Ultimate Fighter Reality TV Show which I do feature myself on and I do say f*ck a lot even when interviewed, mainly because I think it makes me look 5+ years younger (hair included) and NO, I have NO idea that they gonna BEEP! my f*cks the f*ck out. F*CK!" White, or will the ritual go down as tender remembrance, unable to claim just values for itself surrounded by such Ill Wills.

Thiago Silva vs Antonio Mendes

The night delivers two seeeerious, serious Brazilian dudes to start out the event, Thiago Silva is a fighter with a flawless mma record and also is inventor of one of the most radical and amusing winning gesture I have ever seen to date, - see for yourself, just make sure not when in the octagon without a mic - last time we seen him he hastily destroyed rising UFC promise Houston Alexander in UFC 78 Validation. A quick full mount, a torrent of bombs, a station in Houston's career that will hopefully make him even more better of a fighter.

Fellow Brazilian and former prison guard Mendes thinks that Thiago's flawless record lacks a scalp whose proprietor's skills would live up to the highest expectations, the level characterized by pure intensity, the level Mendes is about to unleash on Thiago.

Indeed, he unleashes intensity in form of a quite surprising and quite powerful high kick, an attack coming out of nowhere, leaving Thiago exposed for a brief period, yet not long enough to form further punishment of stopping power on. Thiago actually does the quite sane thing in a bitter situation, effectively hugging Mendes to himself to stay in a clinch with him, stopping the former prison guard from long range assaults of the finishing character. This brief, yet essential period gives a rest sequence for Silva, then a takedown from Mendes goes sour. Sour for Mendes, that is. We had chance before the witness Thiago Silva's precise, relentless ground and pound game, and this is exactly what he does now, as well: he forces a tap out of Mendes, who, I think, - I am not sure if I should dare say this, but will I do, anyway - taps out quite hastily. I am absolutely ready to admit though that there are times when a pro level mma fighter knows that the situation is hopeless, why not tap out then? My impression remains this, though: I would say I have seen fighters coming back from sourer situations than the one Mendes got defeated in, but I have no intention of course to verdict the "proper judgment" of his performance. I think he looked quite good and dangerous, actually. And for Thiago Silva? The dude constantly proves that he is absolutely ready to be, and, in fact, should be thrown in front of top level competition. Not much if anything left to prove for him in the upstream. His winning gesture was delivered, and looked as good as used to. Got the feeling that we will hear about this warrior soon, whom we are yet to see in a truly desperate situation.

Wilson Gouveia vs Goran Reljic

An up-and comer with the potential to turn the tide of a very bitter situation, - or at least had that potential for at least once before - Wilson Gouveia is looking for a statement as harsh as he made against Jason "The Punisher" Lambert in UFC 80 Rapid Fire. Countering with a one punch KO at the fence, this power and relentlessness are the exact tools you want to rely on if to put in front of an apprentice whom master is none other than fellow Croatian Mirko "CroCop" Filipovic. Though the UFC matches for CroCop did not turn out the way we have hoped them to turn out as, the masterful kickmonster's legacy is certainly summoned in the octagon: Reljic throws full power high kicks around like you shoot pictures with your camera in Japan on a particularly shiny day, and let me tell you this: the fact that Gouveia's head remains roughly on the neck all the time is an mma accomplishment already.

Reljic shows relevant power on the proving ground with a keen readyness to rely on - as Joe Rogan precisely notes - almost casual full scale assaults. He comes out of nowhere, but when he comes, he comes big time. This is truly nice to watch, yet might become predictable, an aspect Reljic has to work on before revealing as a force the organization must reckon with.

The fight boils down to Gouveia's considerable ability to offer excessive resistance if harassed superhard, this is exactly what happens here, as well: Wilson exhibits TKO treat towards Reljic on numerous occasions, a back and forth battle of aggressor Goran and demonstrator of an effective counter game Gouveia we witness in the first round. The second period solidifies Gouveia as a precision striker, he connects about three times with very impressive attacks, convincing Goran to take a temporal nap in the octagon. A brief ground and pound sequence follows this up, a sequence though which Gouveia is unable to turn into a conclusion. The Croatian escapes, and connects with a huge counter strike shortly: the resultant Gouveia deserves all credit for a nice recovery rate, yet the attack swarm Goran unleashes on him proves way too much to take this time around. A stoppage puts an end to an impressive display, let us see who the Croatian is to face up against next time, as you could hardly ask for a more convincing UFC debut.

Rameau Sokoudjou vs Kazuhiro Nakamura

Previous victims of Lyoto Machida are to face off against each other, and let me tell you this: they deliver one intense, sober mma round with an aggressor Sokoudjou dictating the pace, yet this Nakamura dude is someone you want to take very seriously as he surely can take two decent strikes and a third and smash you to the ground quite convincingly. In this here match the bulky Nakamura exhibits more of a defensive game, also a very good of it is what he maturely demonstrates. Though the Japanese contestant delivers a convincing readyness to face a real life Predator, this latter mentioned fierce entity finds a hole in the last moments of the first round, and lands a blatant shot on the chin of Nakamura. Kazuhiro goes down, but it is actually the leg he falls on which leaves him unable to continue. Both fighters looked very good, Sokoudjou showed his trademark character, while Nakamura remains a dedicated, sober and fervent fighter whom I can't wait to see triumphant in the octagon soon. It is very hard to dislike the guy, why not start liking him instead?

Wanderlei Silva vs Keith Jardine

Girls and boys, it was some serious sight to behold. Let us account the event like this:

Wanderlei "The Axe Murderer" Silva is Wanderlei "The Axe Murderer" Silva in Wanderlei "The Axe Murderer" Silva's Wanderlei "The Axe Murderer" Silva Murders Keith Jardine with an Axe.

You have the chance to execute two blinks of the eyes before Keith falls to the ground from numerous hits on the head, Wanderlei is all over him in the next moment, takes the throat (!) to lock precision for the kill, and: kills. The 36th second of the first round gives you The Axe Murderer the whole sport is afraid of, gives you The Axe Murderer the whole sport is more intense with. Credit goes for Keith of course: he is still a very good fighter, recently he has a tendency to move on radical scales, that is all there is to it, really: now he gets knocked the hell out in a similar fashion as he got knocked by Houston Alexander, yet I would not be surprised if Jardine would destroy some serious ass by the time he appears again on the proving ground. In fact, I would be surprised if he would fail to do so. An intense showdown with Wanderlei doing what he does best, while doing it 110%. Also notice this: Keith Jardine was a DEMON in the staredown, I loved it! If I loved anything more than that, it was Wanderlei's reaction to the Jardine Demon, as he had: 0, cite that I, herein: ZERO reaction to it.

Ivan Salaverry vs Rousimar Palhares

You can't ignore a dude who comes to a top level mma bout with the name Rousimar Palhares, especially not if he squeezes the hoile fighting spirit out his rival by MAD level Jiu-Jitsu skills and a physical buildup of a raging bull. These are the traits, tools and related accomplishment Palhares brings to the table tonight, submitting his opponent in an armbar which he transitions to from a very dangerous rear naked choke attempt. Palhares certainly looked as The Thing tonight, would be a sight to behold how he manages against the top dogs of the division. Just for the record: I am still pretty convinced that Rousimar wore a cap during the match, that was not the hair, not the hair. Could not be it. Don't inform HIM about my suspicion though.

Christian Wellisch vs Shane Carwin

This is a swift one. Shane Carwin goes away with the W after delivering a blatant strike of instant stopping power in the 44th second of the first round. What else can we say - Thank you, come again!


Lyoto Machida vs Tito Ortiz

This match have turned out as it - well, sort of: - "supposed" to turn out, also with a nice touch by Tito it concluded with. Not many, if anyone found the remedy against Lyoto yet, but it is damn sure that no one ever shown the remedy to this day. Tito is no exception. Let me draw your attention to this here simple, but, in my opinion, quite important notion: in this here match Tito never has a chance to reach Machida. He can't hit him, he can't kick him, he can't take him down. The Dragon, on the other hand, gives considerable hard time to the Huntington Beach Bad Boy, selling him a vicious kick-trick on multiple occasions, or simply by connecting with a casual high kick that lefts you wonder how come Tito just meta-communicates "that's not 'nuff, baby" to Lyoto. This little vibe is clearly visible by the replays, pay close attention. This is nice, no?

They roll for three rounds in the stand up in which Machida clearly maintains control and an upper hand. Tito exhibits some frustration, but nothing serious. But nothing too mature, either. Understandable though, as Ortiz came here to dominate, and gets - in my opinion - clearly surpassed by Machida's versatility. Interesting thing is this: in the conluding moments of the first round it is actually Lyoto who takes Tito down and scores some heavy bombs on the veteran UFC blob, probably the bell is the sweetest friend reality could greet Tito with.

To my satisfaction, though: Tito gives you the brilliance an mma legend - which he is, in my opinion - should and could give in such a tremendous battle. He gets Lyoto in two different submission attempts in the last rounds, The Dragon escapes only because he possesses tremendous ground skills himself, but those are very very close and very very nicely executed by Ortiz. Thus the match ends up with a mildly frustrated Tito who, fortunately calms down and shows maturity at the end, no hard feelings towards Machida, way more of those towards Dana White. Some mic time is devoted to Tito where he can promote his clothing company at www.punishmentathletics.com and he even states that there are 3 or 4 years of pro level competition in his body yet, but it is not likely that he will participate in the UFC anymore. But not impossible, either. Well, I certainly do hope that we WON'T have to see Tito destructing clearly inferior opponents in smaller organization to collect further reputation. He has plans of being an actor soon. I think he has what it takes. But you need a serious role, Tito, believe you me. Don't take the first offer if it stinks and gives you no lines to speak. Just take the second one of such offers. Ahhahah! Now, seriously: I look forward to see how stuff will turn out for the Bad Boy, as his match against Machida turned out in a fashion that left his dignity and reputation intact, and paths thus widely opened. The mere fact that he choose to do battle with a fighter of flawless record deserves credit, in my opinion. Though I surely do realize that Tito would have lost all his authenticity if to chickening out from Machida's way. And chickening out is not something you ever saw Tito doing.

As for The Dragon, he performed masterfully in his most important fight to date yet, now he is a warrior who seems as circumstantial to stop as to do that with a train armed with sinister looks and a lost stop sign. And sad thing is: it is the attempter who is armed with a sinister look and a lost stop sign in this relation, not the train. As of today it is safe to say that you have to seek superhard if you plan to find a fighter as intelligent and versatile as Lyoto Machida is. Truly can't wait to see who he will be put up against next.

Rich Clementi vs Terry Etim

This was an OK match with an average excitement factor, resulting in an OK decision with not even averagely surprising outcome, though Terry Etim had his moments. Notable UFC veteran Rich Clementi ends up victorious, though does so in a match which he will not likely show amongst the first five of his bouts when to account his mma career to his descendants.

Jon Koppenhaver vs Yoshiyuki Yoshida

Hmmmm. And then again: hmmmmmm. Let us take a good look on Jon Koppenhaver and state the Obvious again: hmmmmmmmmmmm. Now let us elaborate. Koppenhaver is a relative newcomer to the UFC, coming to the octagon through the Ultimate Fighter. The guy exhibited a personality which was very easy to exhibit support for: Koppenhaver comes from a massively troubled past, truly, mma was a shelter he ran to, - Praised Be Thy Wisdom, Jon - hoping he will be able to build an existence on his own God given assets like fists and stuff related. This is all OK, this all very OK when the guy nn the opposing corner has the roughly similar story to tell, and both have agreed to kick each other's ass for cash and recognition. Koppenhaver's latest appearance in The Ultimate Fighter Season 6 Finale was a blast: he made a hilariously intense and passionate fight with Jared Rollins and four gallons of blood involved, one of the most memorable matches of all times, in my opinion. This is all supercool, even better, let me ask you this: does not Koppenhaver remind you of Lady Kier from Deee Lite, only a masculine variant? Hehe, maybe I have the Philip K. Dick here, please inform me if I do. But there is a notion to be made apart from the question: by the time we have seen Koppenhaver performing this amazing match with Jared Rollins, he (Koppenhaver) already had a stain in his reputation. In 2007, September he participated in a real life assault, beating the shite out of a civil man and even choking him out. This is not cool, it is not even needed to add "I think" to this, as this is simply: not cool. The man on the street simply can not say anything to make you destroy him. Yes, you can give the Darth Vader to him with black stuff on head, voicing

Don't. Make. Me. Destroy. You.

but: beating him up crapless with your fellow people beaters as a professional mma fighter? God, this is such a nonsense. I am actually surprised that they let Koppenhaver fight after this. Cool stuff for mma. (It was irony, at least an attempt at that.) Koppenhaver could have been amongst the mma warriors whom have my absolute sympathy, now he fell out of my favor - I can imagine how crushed Jon would end up as knowing this. To account the match itself: Jon Koppenhaver's ass gets choked unconscious here by Yoshiyuki Yoshida in the first round. Talking about irony, baby.

BJ Penn vs Sean Sherk

The main event of the evening turned into a rather stable boxing match in which Sean felt himself to be quite competitive - I could not share his view though, yet one must realize how different it must be when IN the octagon, not around it. BJ pretty much takes Sean apart in a standup battle which is massively characterized by The Little Buddha's ability to driftle away from the way of punishment while his own attacks have a vicious tendency to connect and claim a literal toll of blood on The Muscle Shark in a short while. Surely, Sean connects, but connects rarely and not via convincing impact power. He has but one punch which seems to pose danger against the Belt Defender, but this is match basically turns out as one that easily and safely could be regarded as: complete ownage of the Challenger. Penn tonight is the better fighter, a notion which is about to grow evident by the end of the third round. BJ chooses to explode and to destruct by the period in question. Some softening punched do connect to lead Sean to the fence, then a flying knee comes out of parts you don't necessarily want to know, and connects on head. Consecutive, intense ground and pound is rigorously administered by The Little Buddha to wrap up the round. He says: "He is done." when he walks away to the corner. Though both the Referee and Sean Sherk think otherwise, BJ points his hands at his opponent, accounting the badly battered shape the former Champion is in.

Decision is swiftly formed though that Sherk should not continue indeed. BJ exhibits a quite radical gesture yet, licking blood off his glove, which is somewhat OK I guess - especially that he promised to do so -, but what I found a bit vicious was that he walked up the recovering Sean and borrowed some extra blood to lick. Uhm. This is some bizarre shit, in my opinion. Fortunately though, the two competitors do hug each other and show mutual respect in the end, BJ invites Sean to his place anytime if and when The Muscle Shark is ever to spend some quality time in Hawaii, the place BJ is native and resident of.

The final conclusion of the match is this: The Little Buddha emerges triumphant and know holds the UFC Lightweight Champion belt by beating the former title holder, yet he voices his opinion that he does not necessarily have intentions of remaining a lightweight competitor. He asks if we want to see him colliding against George St. Pierre. Let us conclude the review of the match by saying this: as of today, you could not make up a dream match more interesting and more anticipated than one to take place between BJ and GSP would immediately be. Period. So, let us hope that the moment we are now waiting for will soon become a - reality.

Jason Tan vs Dong Hyun Kim

Jason Tan from Liverpool comes to this match as masterful practitioner of a very unorthodox fighting style: this is the highly secretive Exhausting Your Rival By Letting Him Smash Your Face In With His Elbow For Three Consecutive Rounds form of fighting. Now, seriously: I am completely baffled by Tan's ability to tolerate punishment, let alone how he seems virtually immaculate after the beatings he gets administered. It is pretty much safe to say that he has no moments in this match, his punishment resistance is the highest I have seen so far, This dude needs some serious work on his offensive skills and we will got to see a fighter who will be extremely hard to stop, but will be extremely entertaining to watch. Credit goes for Dong Hyun Kim for never stopping: he bangs out the victory on Tan with his elbows (!!), when the stoppage occurs, you can see how disappointed Tan ends up as, he has pretty much 0 concerns that he just ate in 10 consecutive elbows. Truly, I have no words for this. Puzzling stuff. Someone get a hold of this Jason Tan dude and make a fighter out of him hastily, please, as the kid has something that only one in a million has. (Now I tried to give you the experienced mma armchair molester who have seen it all. Inform me if you thought I was OK at it, if you thought I sucked tremendously, inform me even more.)

Ill WIll was a tremendous night, deserver the five onions as if the night of the Ill WIll would not score five onions then no mma event could ever do that. So: that it does. Hope you had a fine evening and found the review useful - thank you for reading it, and see you next time.

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Speed Racer

Out of Proportions

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Tatsuo Yoshida's Mach GoGoGo was (and in fact, still is) a great, even notorious anime series which started to air in 1967, claiming stunning popularity for dirty, fictional automobile competition and related role models for the whole family both in Japan and in the US. West Germany banned the series after three episodes back in 1971, claiming the violence it was depicting might compromise the values of a civilized society.

In the late '60s and early '70s, Speed Racer - that was the translated title used to market the series outside of Japan, as smarter readers might have figured it out even on their own, accept me humble congratulations - surely must have revealed as a violent, vivid experience indeed, as those races were very dirty, and could easily be misinterpreted. The very concept of harassing each other with high-tech assault equipment and various booby traps ready to set off on the rivals while all participants happen to sit in vehicles with the same finish line in focus DOES originate from Yoshida's work, something we can see in zillions of inspired works these days, even outside the field of entertainment concerning competitive events. Sounds neat 'nuff yet? According to the Wachowski Borthers, it is not only neat but quite suitable for a Hollywood style motion picture adaptation. So that is what they do deliver, for no less than 120 minutes characterized by burning rubber.

Warning! Warning! The film has hideous actor The Matthew Fox in it, truly, I did not have any idea about this, so a bit lackadaisical I do end up as, having to voice my opinion again of how terrible of an actor Matthew Fox is. No problem though, he has little canvas time in this movie, though surely, he never could have little 'nuff of that.

Frankly, Speed Racer is a quite terrible movie aimed for a family friendly environment, even better: an environment which happens to be filled by popcornterrorist micro communities, naturally, fluently compatible with family friendly outputs, themselves. Ahhah! Movie theaters? Notice how all sounds neat and nice so far, as what possibly could be the problem with a family friendly output solely made for entertainment? Absolutely nothing. Yet Speed Racer abuses the mere genre it tries to enrich.



The length of the movie is immensely tiresome, I tend to think that the directors have lost pretty much all sense of sober relations to the narrative language and proportions they had to count and work with herein. Picture you are an 8 or 10 year old kid. No way in hell Speed Racer will deliver you fluent, flamboyant fun all the while. As hypothetic child, let alone adult, you will grow evidently bored during the amazingly shallow dialog sequences and/or video clip editing, finally you are quite likely to exhibit an inner suspicion sooner or later that the race sequences that you'll eventually get to witness ain't that nicely introduced or realized at all to keep a sitorgan stationary for 120 horrendous minutes.

The buildup is inept, and ineptly intimidating as well, this being, in my opinion, pretty much the worst a movie with similar aspirations and agendas might end up as. At it's soul, this is a very easygoing and very lightweight affair with a wild, romantic appeal. But - HELL! It actually takes itself MAD SERIOUSLY, which suits as good for it as a fake tan for a mummy.



- Is this a screenshot from Speed Racer?
- Nope, just spilled my salad mixture.

Let me elaborate: it is immensely inept, as the movie takes it's audience stupid enough that the masses of spectators of races are must to be shown for time to time, giving you hints what kind of emotions you are to circulate at the given moment, in case you would miss the correct interpretation of what was going on in that flashy, 5-6 seconds of racing sequence you just happened (or thought you have had chance) to witness. You will see cheering fans and commentators, then worrying fans and commentators. Finally, you are to consume your very next dose of fleshy car racing videogame fix, just to end up at some entirely surficial, shallow dialog about family values and personal determination. You know, the usual "This is MY life dad, you have to UNDERSTAND, and please HUG ME!" direction is keenly presented, add a little, frankly, quite annoying chocolate molester twerp to it - younger brother of the protagonist Speed Racer - who tries to debate honest laughs out of you, but the poor child's intentions are so clear that it would be something like a mental rape if you would submit to him and laugh on the bleheh! faces and calculated productions he harasses consensus with. Sorry twerpy, I feel you, but you won't get MY laughs. Not THIS time.



-ONE more goddamn color and I'll PUKE!
- Ye, but not to me belly this time, OK??

These attractions and funny faces he makes were surely worked on real life family members flawlessly, but sorry, I tend to wonder instead how come a 10-12 year old could possess a face which already started to submit to gravity?? All in all, the monkey was better. Once you have seen the film, this harsh statement will fall into place firmly. I admit I laughed at the channel switching sequence, though. I am pretty sure you will, too. Let me ask you this: wouldn't you agree that this particular sequence is more humorous/efficient than the sum of all the rest the younger brother delivers apart from this scene?

It is not accidental that I accounted on the little guy. Apart from the abruptly presented race sequences the film delivers, he is pretty much the main attraction of the movie. Races themselves give you little more - if it's more, at all - than the experience you get from a racing game, even from a trailer to popularize such a product. What is slightly more worse than that is that race segments are simply: Not. That. Good. I realize how this sounds as a statement forged from bad intentions, yet I assure you: the ensuing situation when we look into the matter more deeply, is way worse than the surface was.



Visually speaking, race segments are not bad, yet could have had way more aspirations in my opinion to go for the '60s feel to deliver retro. It is very hard to understand how come the film is lacking all sorts of catchy melodies/focal themes for example. This adaptation has nothing much to tell, not via the races, not via other presentational channels. But let us draw our attention to the focal problem: races have no stake, no character, no goddamn soul herein. No goddamn weight, no goddamn meaning to them either, Angy God Forbid my harsh language here. I do think that my statement and related notions are sorrowfully solidified by the elements I just accounted on, I refer back to he constant depiction of the audience's and the commentator's reactions - as, once you see the race for more than 7 seconds, it grows very obvious that the creators had no intention to do anything significant with the nice CG sets they built up. Some car will be rammed off, some other will get some tires popped and drift away, and so on and so forth. Nothing, absolutely nothing of the taste, of the nature of competition is revealed herein. No tension on the track, in the audience, in the cockpit. Just determined eyeballs in determined helmets. What a laugh, and what a bitter of it!



Speed Racer is a movie driven by weightless agendas and stale sketchbook performances, hoping to wrap up handicaps with all the colours a mind can conceive and perceive. The protagonist is simply stated to be the bestest pilot around, so he proves this, and his family does cheer, and you should too, because they get shown to you cheering, and so you should join. And share their joy. Then rewind and share again. Surely, a classic racing movie could be able to do that. The complete lack of the ability to summon such a honest mood is what places Speed Racer on the exact opposite pole of this imaginary scale, though. At the End Sequence, the directors actually warn you - through the little twerp and monkey - that Happy End will be unleashed on you with so high volume that you are better to be prepared. There is nothing more sad than pointing out where you placed a punchline in a joke and how exactly it is humorous, wouldn't you agree?

As we accounted on, the film rolls for a vastly tiresome length of 120 massive minutes, this buildup is established by one focal conflict which at least is strictly presented and weights in as acceptable, yet, unfortunately even this won't add too much to the final results in the long run(s).
Do not worry, I won't spoil your enjoyment, yet let me wrap this up with a notion that will get you interested, hopefully. The most staggering thing in Speed Racer, is this: it is actually The Matthew Fox who speaks the ONLY thought worth remembering from this movie.



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Forbidden Kingdom

Karate Kid K.I.A.

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Forbidden Kingdom was a tremendously anticipated - hereby comes the Disturbance in the Force - Hollywood Kung Fu flick, main reason for this is that the output delivers the most popular faces of the genre, a simultaneous canvas presence of truly authentic figures whom we hoped to catch together since times immemorial, indeed. Forbidden Kingdom lives up to it's promise, of course. Jackie Chan and Jet Li are both ready to embarrass themselves in a movie which is loosely - khm, clumsily - based on famous installments of Chinese literature, especially the work titled Journey to The West.

Well, the Kung Fu genre have traveled over the Big Waters already and gave us tremendous results, Kung Fu Hustle, Hero, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, just to name a few. This here effort Forbidden Kingdom scores at box offices big time, yet I tend to think that the main reason for this success is that you can't possibly find an excuse to miss a movie out with Jackie and Jet present in it - that does not mean that the output CAN'T be bad. Actually, it CAN. And, sadly: it IS.

The best attraction you are about to witness herein is the main title screen and corresponding credit list period, I am sorry to say. These moments do unleash a stunning, dare I say this: neo-retro Kung Fu mood with superb, lazy, sinister musical score and famous retina stigmas of the genre, then you are about to witness Jet Li as the Monkey God, showing an army of hostiles their proper place in the quite proper setting to do so: in the Skies, they wage their wars. The flick abruptly loses interest in the hilarious opening, just to collide this truly nice period into a sequence of sheer brilliance: a Kung Fu Geek you witness who have fell asleep via his - probably - usual way: watching one of his favorite 236482348732648 Kung Fus, and now his mind interprets the audio stimuli from the video as elements to incorporate into his dreams about the Monkey God. So, it is quite a flawless concept so far, not a subject to debate about.



And also, it is about the last minute you will enjoy flawlessly, at least according to the strict, yet hopefully rigorously scientific considerations of the Opinion Onion. Behold who you will HAVE to, behold the Michael Angarano, who is about as bad actor as Matthew Fox, only this one is sadder. Am I being a blatant sitorgan opening if I am to voice my curiosity of how one develops elaborate undereye wrinkles by the age of 21? This is the age Angarano threads on as of the release date of this flick, and I must admit, he is somewhat suitable as a New-Age Karate Kid, but ALAS!, let me ask you this:

DO. WE. NEED. YET. ANOTHER. KARATE. KID. ?

The question remained silent once voiced, so let us resonate it again, this time with deep, intense honesty and curiosity:

DO. WE. NEED. YET. ANOTHER. KARATE. KID. ?

Add that this Karate Kid is easily worse than the original, by the way. Michael Angarano is the Everyday Average Loserguy the film gives for you as a role module you could easily relate to in case you have sophisticated collection of checkered shirts and acnes on body parts a decent woman is not even aware of, and surely, director of this here celluloid molestation Rob Minkoff might simply assume that you can't escape being an Everyday Average Loserguy once a fanatic of Kung Fu Classics.

Forbidden Kingdom grows kind of suspicious when you witness Jackie Chan's awkward depiction of an old fella who runs a video rental the Karate Kid is a regular at, - you bet, baby - suspicion though turns into something much more worse when Mr. Big Bully and Co. do start to - well - bully the protagonist. Man. Then again: maaaan! Have you ever witnessed one of those:

"NO! PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO FIGHT, PUHHULLEEEZ!" - movies? To be perfectly honest, I was blatantly afraid that I am about to witness Michael Angarano's Way to the Exploding Fist, and my fear gained legitimization shortly, though, at least via an infantile mutation which tries to sell itself as cinematic originality, yet utterly fails to deliver saved enriching/abusing you with the experience of a stock-fantasy affair with Jackie, Jet, and two beautiful Chinagirls in it. Still a stock fantasy, and a badly written at that, as well. I will give you proof shortly.

Here are the main assumptions: there is the Angarano, who must, absolutely MUST give the Sacred Weapon of the Monkey King back to it's proprietor, but, as results of an ancient confrontation taking place between the Everyday Usual Final Stage Boss Character and the Monkey King, now the legendary martial artist is petrified, only to be released if his weapon touches on the statue now he takes part in consensus as.

So! The Fearless Angarano and his haircut both (!!) do end up being transported to an alternate reality which resonates nicely with ancient Chinese times and sceneries. I admit that the cinematography is beautiful, no problem in this regard at all. Considering the subject matter these stunning natural environments do deliver on their own, finding UGLY images is the Challenge here, not to show Beauty Blatant which is all over the place. Well, at least something have been done to legitimize focal flaws, since Angarano seems totally out of place and time, let him be put beyond space and time for the sake of fiction functionalization. Sorry about that.

Little time is about to flow away prior the Angarano's encounter with Lu Yan, - Jackie Chan - who is fortunately a perfect speaker of English in ancient China, even better: the waitress in the pub also is totally on the theme when you ask for a refill in English. Lu Yan informs the young protagonist about the Legend of the Monkey King, and they decide to team up to liberate the iconic hero. Little if any do they know that the Final Stage Boss Monster has entirely different plans in his highly sinister mind, even sends a Witch after the Sacred Relic, a Witch who was born to Wolves. And also she is a simulacrum of the great Mortal Kombat character Sindel. This focal role is portrayed by beautiful Chinese actress Bingbing Li, the scenes in which Bingbing and Angarano are both present are of particular interest. I would keenly urge Angarano fans - oxymoron? - to state the Top 10 Reasons why one would take one's eyes off of Bingbing in favor of Michael, me = mad curious, truly. Now is the time to account on Yifei Liu as well, she gives us the female sidekick character, who is in shadow of to the constant threat that Angarano might actually go for the mouthy-mouthy, lypsi-lypsi on her, yet !SPOILER! - he won't have that chance. Yifei Liu gives you similarly solid canvas presence as Bingbing Li, a credit which is due for the Final Stage Boss Monster, Deshun Wang, as well.



Bingbing Li's intact canvas presence gives much needed relief.

An example of flaws and incoherency: a Silent Monk - Jet Li - appears, who steals the Monkey King's Relic from Angarano, yet, as it turns out hastily: he has NO intention stealing the Relic. So, he just - kind of: stole it. Makes sense so far? He states that he Seeks the Seeker of the Artifact. Now check this: when he FINDS the Seeker, he stoles the precious item from him while the Seeker is asleep. Well, asking those trite, redundant question like: "Sorry, dude, aren't you happen to be the Seeker of the Relic who I seek? After all, you have the Relic!" would hardly live up to common sense or coherent script writing.

All is set for the big attraction, you will have the acceptable 10 minutes+ fight sequence between Jackie and Jet, and then some other, acceptable fight sequences as the improbably shallow fantasy story "develops." For your information I wish to voice my aspiration that the term "acceptable" I account the fight sequences as is intended to be a rigorously scientific description, and a scientific description I do aspire to give, none less, not I! Let us scrutinize unto the deep well of the past and let us behold some example movies which delivered easily superior fight sequences to these: the aforementioned Kung Fu Hustle comes into my mind yet again as a piece to courageously and hilariously praise the genre, yet the Tony Jaa films are a must to mention, as well. Remember the final showdown in Tom Yum Goong? Hell, one minute (!) from that fight sequence weights more than the entire Forbidden Kingdom, Your Angy God Forgive that I state the obvious herein.

This here old fashioned new wave Kung Fu hybrid still relies on the most banal fight concept ever revealed, yet so vastly utilized even to this day: there are two types of fighters that can take part in a skirmish: 1. the Infinite Hitter, 2. the One Puncher. The Infinite Hitter always comes back, no matter what. Because he has a focal role. Thus he has superhumanic attributes. Notice that these focal characters are always very skillful, they evade and block the strikes just to counter back, while their associates are usually suck excessively, these are the literal masses and masses of people your protagonist engages in battle with, administering one strike per kopf and client checks out, thank you come again. Surely, it does not mean the tiniest of sense to surround yourself with elite fighters if you are a Final Stage Boss Monster, instead you want to rely on warriors whose asses get kicked around via a little less effort than putting out a bonfire with a water cannon in rainstorm.



Forbidden Kingdom is an excessively awkward, mocked mixture of twisted, inept ambitions, an output lacking any kind of inventive tale appeals or sober seriousness to it, instead it sinks steadily to end up as a very average fantasy-quest with very average fantasy characters, chasing - I am sorry to inform you that you have guessed correctly - very average fantasy agendas. The New Karate Kid Michael Angarano is actually a factor to degrade the output as opposed to enrich it, as his canvas presence currently is nowhere near to that of any other actors he gets unleashed in the same sequence with. In the end one can't help but voice the opinion that even Jackie and Jet can not make a great movie out of the great mess this unfortunate result is composed of and ends as. These two onions I do give for this delivery is not a result of my grouchy nature. These two onions I do give for this delivery is the result of my extremely tender, marvelously kind nature.

Finally, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Moment You Have All Been Waiting For, Has Now Became a Reality!

The Opinion Onion Gives You:

Za! Michael! Angarano! Thing!



- What if I CAN'T do that??
- Oh, you are good at THAT!



The One Dollar Kung Fu Stance!



- ... and then I'll have a HAIRCUT!
- IS the Seeker CERTAIN that he is PREPARED?



- HMPF!
- NOOO, NOT THE HMPF! ANYTHING BUT THE HMPF!



- HOW I gotten into this??
- Mysterious are the Ways of the Tao, no doubt anymore.



- Uhm. Michael. You are on - uhm. Camera?



The One Million Dollar Kung Fu Look!



The Priceless Kung Fu Look!

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